How to Be a Gentleman

Bridges, John. How to Be a Gentleman.
Simpson-Giles, Candace. How to Be a Lady.

"If a gentleman is given to wearing outlandish hats--such as a deerstalker or a Russian sable cap with earflaps--he understands that he will probably attract attention." This handy piece of advice is just one of many suggestions in this week's recommended read, HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN: A CONTEMPORARY GUIDE TO COMMON COURTESY by John Bridges. The guide is an etiquette handbook for the modern man, similar in tone to Miss Manners' well-known tomes, but not nearly as long or as complicated.

Divided into short chapters, including "A Gentleman Gets Dressed," "A Gentleman Gives a Party," and "A Gentleman Goes to the Office," this book is a serious but sassy approach to manners for men. Instead of long, detailed explanations of how to behave, readers acquire simple, traditional rules ("a gentleman does not lean back in his chair"), as well as some new guidelines for modern times, such as how to behave at the gym ("a gentleman may do what he pleases in his own shower, but he does not shave in the shower at the gym"), how to use email ("A gentleman knows that email is never private"), how to handle phone messages ("a gentleman does not hesitate to screen his calls"), and what to do with one's cell phone in a public place ("After business hours, a gentleman does not carry his cellular phone into a restaurant") . I loved reading through the guidelines, which are, in almost all cases, appropriate for men and women ("a gentleman washes his hair regularly, and he makes every effort to prevent dandruff", for example, but not "a gentleman never adjusts his crotch in public"), and then reflecting upon my own manners and how I can improve them.

"A lady," writes Candace Simpson-Giles in HOW TO BE A LADY: A CONTEMPORARY GUIDE TO COMMON COURTESY, "does not correct another person's grammar." Like the guide for men, Simpson-Giles book of etiquette is a practical, common-sense, and easily-browsable guide to good manners. With her succinct commentary ("A lady uses her turn signals"), the author makes it abundantly clear that although the toys ("Unless absolutely necessary, a lady does not carry her cell phone into a restaurant. If she must, she turns it off") have changed and there are some out-of-fashion rules, the basics remain the same: good manners and kindness never go out of style. Courtesy is less a matter of fashion or pretension than it is a simple set of instructions for making sure that you make the minor sacrifices that enable other people to feel comfortable and respected in your presence. Lest you think this is just a differently packaged version of THE RULES FOR WOMEN, rest assured that with a few minor exceptions, the vast majority of the guideline presented in HOW TO BE A LADY deal with being appropriate, kind, and courteous, not with putting women in their place. And most of the etiquette in HOW TO BE A LADY mirrors that which is presented in HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN, with some exceptions regarding dressing and shaving.

If you do not own a guide to etiquette, then a larger, more complete volume might be a more useful choice, but if you're looking for a shorter, less expensive, and quickly readable guide, these two are excellent selections, and both are less formal than some of the better-known and more comprehensive volumes, such as Amy Vanderbilt, Judith Martin, and Emily Post. I found both to be quick, often entertaining reads, with worthwhile reminders.