The most important thing for a mentor to know is how to listen. When your mentees come to you with questions, problems or concerns, will you know what to do? Here are a few pointers...

BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER

Active listening plays an important role in managing conflict. It’s not about solving the speaker’s problem, but an opportunity for the speaker to clarify thoughts, release emotions, and better understand personal feelings. Active listening places the focus on who is talking, regardless of group size, so the listener can best understand what the speaker is saying. This doesn’t mean the listener has to agree, but instead should understand what the speaker is saying. Keep in mind that active listening is a learned skill, so it may not come easily. Some of the information below may help you to become a good active listener.
Keywords to active listening:

• Accept. Active listening is accepting and nonjudgmental.
• Focus. Active listening focuses completely on the speaker.
• Desire. Convey the desire to understand what the speaker is feeling and saying. This requires the listener not just to hear the content of the conversation, but to understand the feeling(s) behind the words. It also involves reflecting those feelings back to the speaker.
• Silence. Active listening usually requires many moments of silence. This can establish trust and encourages the speaker to continue.
• Question. Asking open-ended questions (“How do you feel about that?”) always promotes healthy dialogue.
• Concern. Express a genuine concern for the speaker and not for solving the speaker’s problem.

Practice active listening by:

• Establishing strong non-verbals.
• Being attentive to the speaker’s non-verbals.
• Asking open-ended questions.
• Paraphrasing what the speaker has said to you (“What I hear you saying is…”).
• Clarifying what you don’t understand; don’t be afraid to ask for more information.
• Allowing silence to exist in the communication.
• Validating and acknowledging the speaker’s feelings.

And by avoiding:

• Telling the speaker how to feel.
• Solving the speaker’s problem(s).
• Passing judgment or making judgmental statements (“Why were you walking by yourself anyway?”).
• Speaking about yourself when you should be listening to the speaker.
• Thinking about what you’re going to say next; just listen.
• Telling the speaker that you know how she or he feels.

UNDERSTAND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Nonverbal communication (a form of communicating information without words) also plays an important role in managing conflict. It can imply certain feelings, agreement, or disagreement through gestures and sounds. Nonverbal communication can either be helpful in resolving conflict or hinder the process. This largely depends on what the gestures imply to the people interacting. You may want to use nonverbal communication to help resolve a conflict. If you do, keep the following key points in mind when you practice active listening.

• Posture. Face the speaker and lean forward. Remain on an equal level (e.g. both of you sitting; not one standing, one sitting).
• Eye contact. Focus on the speaker. This expresses interest and your desire to listen.
• Facial expressions and gestures. Avoid nervous or fidgety motions. The speaker will be able to sense whether or not you want to listen.

Lisa H. Farinholt-O’Brien, M.S.W.
Area Coordinator
Office of Housing and Residence Life

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